Stage #2: Weaponized SexualityĪs I matured, this became my go-to scornful revenge. I vowed never to be so silly and melodramatic again, but truthfully, it’s sometimes still a challenge not to turn on the waterworks in the hopes of emotionally manipulating a man. Those stupid cuts would land me in the psych ward when I went to check myself into rehab seven days later. I was torn between wanting him to feel bad if I died, but also not wanting his sorry ass to be the reason I killed myself. When I got to the hotel, I locked myself in the bathroom, and out of spite, I did as much blow as I could and superficially cut my wrists for attention. I left the party and walked back to my hotel. He blatantly ignored me and left me to fend for myself, a drugged-out nobody among agents, starlets and the rest of the sharks that populate a C-list Hollywood event. for a screening of a movie he was in, and at the post-screening party, he was all over a co-star. I’d storm out of my apartment, and he’d follow me, crouching across the street to watch me cry. ![]() ![]() My first real relationship out of high school was Sid and Nancy fucked up. They’re what I like to call the Seven Stages of Scorn and they go a little bit like this… Stage #1: Tears and Melodrama I built walls around my heart and created dams in my psyche.Īll of which is to say I know a thing or two about Congreve’s quote and that nasty, deep-seated feeling of scorn and each of the ways it manifests: tears and melodrama, weaponized sexuality, emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive verbal abuse, suspicion, rage, vengeance and detachment. In other words, instead of facing my fears of rejection head on, I ran from them. I became pure scorn and sculpted an entire identity out of contempt. My entire ego solidified around my spiteful determination to reject men first and to do whatever it took to shield the vulnerable part of me from feeling the sting of being dismissed. I wanted to be an untouchable man-eater and kill my feelings, too.įor better or worse, over the next two decades I did just that. Gwyneth Paltrow’s character instantly became my hero. I was broken and determined to never be dependent on a man for anything ever again - a feeling that was greatly aided by the release of the movie version of Great Expectations. I do remember a defining moment in my development, circa 1998. Speaking just for myself, I’m sure I was open-hearted at one point, but I can’t for the life of me remember when that was or when my heart started to harden. As my friend Lindsey likes to say, “People don’t mind being used, they mind being discarded.” Other times it’s completely warranted: Maybe your girlfriend catches you sexting with an ex. Sometimes it’s unwarranted: Maybe you were harmlessly chatting with a co-worker and your significant other got jealous. Nor is scorn limited to simple, run-of-the-mill rejection. ![]() The reason for a woman’s wrath and its extremity depend on age, relationship status, personality, interpersonal dynamics, family history, maturity, chemistry, moon cycles, self-awareness and self-work to name just a few. Basically, there are as many reasons a woman could have to feel scorn as there are women. Probably for no other reason than William Congreve’s famous line, “Heav’n has no rage like love to hatred turn’d / Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d,” I’ve been asked a lot over the years about a “woman’s scorn.” Namely: How to avoid it, how to calm it, what causes it, what are the triggers, how long it lasts, how it’s honed over the years in secret covens, etc.?
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